This image, by an unknown Italian artist, commemorates baby jesus's first escape attempt. Notice Mary's smug expression as she catches him by the genitals and tears him back into his life as a doomed Messiah. All he wanted to do was be a show girl.

Jesus later greatly regretted not preaching the tenants of both Christianity and personal space. Matthew was a notorious cuddler.

"And the Angel of the Lord did put the Horseman of Pestilince in a headlock and commanded "Sayth Unkle! Sayth Unkle!"

And the Horseman, much vexed by his brother's actions, did say "I will tell Our Father and he shall lay upon you a mighty plague of asswooping."

But the Angel feared not, for he knew that His Father was drunk on cheap vodka and would sleepth to the dawn. He did then inflict upon the Horseman the plague of "Pink belly" and the Horseman lamented for he knew is Lord had forsaken him."

Little Known Fact: Jesus took almost fetishistic pleasure in measuring the radius of moldy cheese wheels.

It was only recently discovered that historians have, for hundreds of years, been misinterpreting this image and many others like it. While originally thought to be a depiction of two knights mid-joust, this painting actually commemorates the 23rd annual "Fatally Silly Hat Competition". During this competition the brave or the foolhardy would craft hats of such brutal silliness as to render them physically harmful to others simply by proximity. Their weapons, thus crafted and placed upon their heads, the two contestants would charge at one another on horse back until one fell from his horse, dead or at least badly over sillied.

Unfortunately the sport was banned after an unrelated lance accident ended up propelling one of the hats up and into the crowd near the king's personal viewing box. Dozens died instantaneously and the king laughed himself comatose, never to recover. Even the Prince, who took only a momentary, glancing blow, never fully recovered. He is reported to have occasionally broke out in giggling fits even years later, gasping between laughs about "Feathers arranged in a way most queer."

"And Peter didist go to bed feeling fine and rightous in his decision to eat the Angel Gabriel's box of Thin Mints. But lo, the Angel Gabriel, being kind of a dick, didst totally flip out and dump an aquarium on Peter's head.

And Peter, awoken from his slumber by a great flood and numerous things which creep upon the sea's bottom, did say "Oh lord! It dost rain giant fucking octopi and starfish and shit! The Old ones have woken from their slumber and returned to claim the land as their own!"

And Peter did scream about things unseen till morn.

John the Apostle is also commonly referred to as "John the Beloved". He is less commonly referred to as "John the guy whose toupee looks like a dead cat", but both names are still considered canonical.

Pokemon Plaid edition was extremely controversial with it's inclusion of Jesus as a capturable monster. However, its sequel "Pokemon:Octarine" failed to recapture that level of public outcry and interest with Jesus's evolution "Unicorn Jesus". Despite claims of being "150% more blasphemous" the game was largely overlooked due to the release of "Grand Prophet Mohammad", in which players controlled a heavily pixilated man on a journey of divine enlightenment and horse thievery.

There was a short lived trend in the mid 13th century of English noblemen and women designing their own boats. This image displays one of their endeavors, the "His Majesty's Bitchene Water Clube". As you can see it's designer included servants, a chess table, and, in his words, "Tones of wine for to get drunk off our asses". He has, unfortunately, forgotten to include a sail, rudder, paddles or any means of steering or movement. This and other similar oversights lead to the creation of a common saying among the peasantry that remains true to this day.

"Yon baron has coin in his pocket but shite in his head."

Much has been made of Mary of Magdalen, but few remember Veronica of Merchandising, the first woman to sell Jesus t-shirts.

Little known fact: Jesuses (Jesusi?) are very lazy and require constant physical "encouragement" to do even the most menial of tasks. Here we see a early model "Pole dancing stripper Jesus" being motivated to gyrate pleasingly

So you're a medieval artist, and you've finally managed to make time between going insane from medical mercury and dying of the plague to actually get some painting done. And, being a Medieval artist, you decide that what the market really needs, what there is a serious deficiency in, is pictures of jesus. Clearly.

First things first:Lets get the shape of the head. Now, Jesus was a smart guy, so you show that by giving him a head like an almond with a big o' distended forehead. Good, good. Now we add our eyes, slightly lopsided of course, with one much closer to the nose then the other. Jesus was part flounder, after all.

Next you add a mouth. Not a normal human mouth, like a tiny baby mouth with weird shading and/or a wispy mustache. And lipstick. Can't forget the lipstick. And then a nose. Now, at this point, you probably noticed that Christ's eyes and mouth are kinda far apart and that perhaps you overdid it on the whole "Grotesquely swollen head" thing. But it's too late to back out now, so you just give him a massive, foot long nose. You then artfully draw attention away from the fact that he's grossly disproportionate by adding big blue patches on either side, like he just got through with plastic surgery or is recovering from being bludgeoned in the face.

Now you just have to add the hair. Lets see, you could make it look like real human hair or you could make it look like some sort of lacquered, wooden wig that he's just sort of slotted onto his head like an action figure accessory. No contest there. Now, you're not sure if you were going to add a beard to this guy...you passed out from mercury poisoning about halfway through and you can't tell if you were painting a beard or a shadow on his neck. So you just compromise and end up with some sort of phantom beard. Eh, close enough.

And last but not least: skin color. Now, you could make him any number of white and off whites, or even slightly tan if you're feeling frisky, but why not try something bold and new? How about a nice, horrible greenish brown like he's been rotting face down in a open septic tank for a few days. And just a touch of pink around the cheeks so that he looks like a zombie hooker. Perfect.

And just add a coffee stain on his forehead and done! One masterpiece ready for sale at your local medieval craft faire.

"I'm pretty sure that using live bulls as bookstands is really gonna catch on. I mean, yeah, there is the danger that you could be trampled or gored or something while you're reading, but that just adds to the mystique of it. Chicks dig the danger; this is the bookstand that will get you laid."

Here we see a rare depiction of the medieval baby market, where fine fresh babies were sold to wealthy landowners, either as servants or stew ingredients; records are unclear on this point. Note the two perspective buyers, both hopelessly lost in their own bedsheets, splitting their time between betting over the young lad and attempting to escape their linen prisons. The two saleswomen, or "Childe Mongers", are seen to be twisting and knotting the baby's arms to display their delicious, taffy like consistency. The right woman's own fingers can be seen to have taken on a similar consistency after long periods of exposure to babyflesh and she will soon be forced to sell them off as appetizers. Such is the life of a Childe Monger.

The first thing I noticed in this picture was Mary's face; that soul searing stare of abject apathy, like American Gothic after a Nietzsche and horse tranquilizer binge. Those dead, slightly squinted eyes and pursed lips-judging, always judging-set into a head that more resembles a flesh tone aspirin capsule then anything even vaguely human. It's the kind of thing I expect to see staring back at me a thousand fold from a lsd spiked bowl of rice crispies.

Mary's deformity doesn't end there though. If we look down at her left hand, we can see that, beyond whatever crippling genetic condition has given her a watermelon shaped head, she is afflicted with what I can only assume to be leprosy. Her hand has, perhaps in a desperate attempt to appear shaded, turned a disturbing greenish brown. No doubt it will soon drop off, sending the poor messiah child tumbling head over heels into the hard tile below and ending prematurely what surely would have been a life of endless prosperity, good fortune and not being nailed to things.

Of course, neither of these two minor deformations come close to the crowning glory of Our lady of extra chromosomes' greatest feature: The shoulder boob. Now, I must admit I was perplexed by this at first; my first thought was "why is Jesus blond, curly haired and drunk off his ass?", but in a close second was "Why is he drinking from a flesh colored funnel?" Of course the reality of the situation dawned on me moments later and immediately set my mind reeling with all sorts of questions about the rest of her anatomy; hypothetical armpit vaginae and knee livers flooded my mind, followed swiftly by a longing for death.