So you're a medieval artist, and you've finally managed to make time between going insane from medical mercury and dying of the plague to actually get some painting done. And, being a Medieval artist, you decide that what the market really needs, what there is a serious deficiency in, is pictures of jesus. Clearly.

First things first:Lets get the shape of the head. Now, Jesus was a smart guy, so you show that by giving him a head like an almond with a big o' distended forehead. Good, good. Now we add our eyes, slightly lopsided of course, with one much closer to the nose then the other. Jesus was part flounder, after all.

Next you add a mouth. Not a normal human mouth, like a tiny baby mouth with weird shading and/or a wispy mustache. And lipstick. Can't forget the lipstick. And then a nose. Now, at this point, you probably noticed that Christ's eyes and mouth are kinda far apart and that perhaps you overdid it on the whole "Grotesquely swollen head" thing. But it's too late to back out now, so you just give him a massive, foot long nose. You then artfully draw attention away from the fact that he's grossly disproportionate by adding big blue patches on either side, like he just got through with plastic surgery or is recovering from being bludgeoned in the face.

Now you just have to add the hair. Lets see, you could make it look like real human hair or you could make it look like some sort of lacquered, wooden wig that he's just sort of slotted onto his head like an action figure accessory. No contest there. Now, you're not sure if you were going to add a beard to this guy...you passed out from mercury poisoning about halfway through and you can't tell if you were painting a beard or a shadow on his neck. So you just compromise and end up with some sort of phantom beard. Eh, close enough.

And last but not least: skin color. Now, you could make him any number of white and off whites, or even slightly tan if you're feeling frisky, but why not try something bold and new? How about a nice, horrible greenish brown like he's been rotting face down in a open septic tank for a few days. And just a touch of pink around the cheeks so that he looks like a zombie hooker. Perfect.

And just add a coffee stain on his forehead and done! One masterpiece ready for sale at your local medieval craft faire.