"And the Angel of the Lord did put the Horseman of Pestilince in a headlock and commanded "Sayth Unkle! Sayth Unkle!"

And the Horseman, much vexed by his brother's actions, did say "I will tell Our Father and he shall lay upon you a mighty plague of asswooping."

But the Angel feared not, for he knew that His Father was drunk on cheap vodka and would sleepth to the dawn. He did then inflict upon the Horseman the plague of "Pink belly" and the Horseman lamented for he knew is Lord had forsaken him."

Little Known Fact: Jesus took almost fetishistic pleasure in measuring the radius of moldy cheese wheels.

It was only recently discovered that historians have, for hundreds of years, been misinterpreting this image and many others like it. While originally thought to be a depiction of two knights mid-joust, this painting actually commemorates the 23rd annual "Fatally Silly Hat Competition". During this competition the brave or the foolhardy would craft hats of such brutal silliness as to render them physically harmful to others simply by proximity. Their weapons, thus crafted and placed upon their heads, the two contestants would charge at one another on horse back until one fell from his horse, dead or at least badly over sillied.

Unfortunately the sport was banned after an unrelated lance accident ended up propelling one of the hats up and into the crowd near the king's personal viewing box. Dozens died instantaneously and the king laughed himself comatose, never to recover. Even the Prince, who took only a momentary, glancing blow, never fully recovered. He is reported to have occasionally broke out in giggling fits even years later, gasping between laughs about "Feathers arranged in a way most queer."

"And Peter didist go to bed feeling fine and rightous in his decision to eat the Angel Gabriel's box of Thin Mints. But lo, the Angel Gabriel, being kind of a dick, didst totally flip out and dump an aquarium on Peter's head.

And Peter, awoken from his slumber by a great flood and numerous things which creep upon the sea's bottom, did say "Oh lord! It dost rain giant fucking octopi and starfish and shit! The Old ones have woken from their slumber and returned to claim the land as their own!"

And Peter did scream about things unseen till morn.

John the Apostle is also commonly referred to as "John the Beloved". He is less commonly referred to as "John the guy whose toupee looks like a dead cat", but both names are still considered canonical.

Pokemon Plaid edition was extremely controversial with it's inclusion of Jesus as a capturable monster. However, its sequel "Pokemon:Octarine" failed to recapture that level of public outcry and interest with Jesus's evolution "Unicorn Jesus". Despite claims of being "150% more blasphemous" the game was largely overlooked due to the release of "Grand Prophet Mohammad", in which players controlled a heavily pixilated man on a journey of divine enlightenment and horse thievery.

There was a short lived trend in the mid 13th century of English noblemen and women designing their own boats. This image displays one of their endeavors, the "His Majesty's Bitchene Water Clube". As you can see it's designer included servants, a chess table, and, in his words, "Tones of wine for to get drunk off our asses". He has, unfortunately, forgotten to include a sail, rudder, paddles or any means of steering or movement. This and other similar oversights lead to the creation of a common saying among the peasantry that remains true to this day.

"Yon baron has coin in his pocket but shite in his head."

Much has been made of Mary of Magdalen, but few remember Veronica of Merchandising, the first woman to sell Jesus t-shirts.

Little known fact: Jesuses (Jesusi?) are very lazy and require constant physical "encouragement" to do even the most menial of tasks. Here we see a early model "Pole dancing stripper Jesus" being motivated to gyrate pleasingly