Things in heaven were always awkward for Peter. For one, they gave him the smallest banners imaginable. I mean honestly, they were more like napkins on sticks. But the real killer was that his robes didn't have pockets and he just didn't know what to do with his hands. The arm rests on his throne were way too low to be comfortable so he spent half the time just sort of holding his hands awkwardly in front of him. And then all the angels thought he wanted high fives and everything was just terrible.

This image, by an unknown Italian artist, commemorates baby jesus's first escape attempt. Notice Mary's smug expression as she catches him by the genitals and tears him back into his life as a doomed Messiah. All he wanted to do was be a show girl.

Jesus later greatly regretted not preaching the tenants of both Christianity and personal space. Matthew was a notorious cuddler.

"And the Angel of the Lord did put the Horseman of Pestilince in a headlock and commanded "Sayth Unkle! Sayth Unkle!"

And the Horseman, much vexed by his brother's actions, did say "I will tell Our Father and he shall lay upon you a mighty plague of asswooping."

But the Angel feared not, for he knew that His Father was drunk on cheap vodka and would sleepth to the dawn. He did then inflict upon the Horseman the plague of "Pink belly" and the Horseman lamented for he knew is Lord had forsaken him."

Little Known Fact: Jesus took almost fetishistic pleasure in measuring the radius of moldy cheese wheels.

It was only recently discovered that historians have, for hundreds of years, been misinterpreting this image and many others like it. While originally thought to be a depiction of two knights mid-joust, this painting actually commemorates the 23rd annual "Fatally Silly Hat Competition". During this competition the brave or the foolhardy would craft hats of such brutal silliness as to render them physically harmful to others simply by proximity. Their weapons, thus crafted and placed upon their heads, the two contestants would charge at one another on horse back until one fell from his horse, dead or at least badly over sillied.

Unfortunately the sport was banned after an unrelated lance accident ended up propelling one of the hats up and into the crowd near the king's personal viewing box. Dozens died instantaneously and the king laughed himself comatose, never to recover. Even the Prince, who took only a momentary, glancing blow, never fully recovered. He is reported to have occasionally broke out in giggling fits even years later, gasping between laughs about "Feathers arranged in a way most queer."

"And Peter didist go to bed feeling fine and rightous in his decision to eat the Angel Gabriel's box of Thin Mints. But lo, the Angel Gabriel, being kind of a dick, didst totally flip out and dump an aquarium on Peter's head.

And Peter, awoken from his slumber by a great flood and numerous things which creep upon the sea's bottom, did say "Oh lord! It dost rain giant fucking octopi and starfish and shit! The Old ones have woken from their slumber and returned to claim the land as their own!"

And Peter did scream about things unseen till morn.